My Husband Died Last Year But Instead Of Feeling Sad And Missing Him, I Find I'm Very Angry And Bitter. He Knew He Had A Heart Condition And Yet He Pushed Himself At Work. He Didn't Think About His Family Or Me And Now, I've Been Left Alone And Full Of Resentment. My Relatives Are Not Helping Because They Keep Telling Me How I Should Be Feeling And Asking Me Why I Don't Cry. I Really Don't Understand My Own Reactions And It's Adding To My Overall Unhappiness. Can You Explain It To Me?


15 Answers

Caroleanne Profile
Caroleanne answered
Personally, I think you should talk to a professional because obviously this must be really hard on you, you need someone who's going to listen to you, so can get ahead in life because you're still alive and whether you like or not you have to go on with your life with the rest of your family.
I'm sure your family are only trying to help you but they don't really know how.

I can only tell you about someone I knew who was acting just like your husband. He said that what he did was because he loved his family so much he didn't want to leave his family in financial problems and we told him it wasn't the most important thing at that time for his family, but he said that in case he wouldn't be there for them one day, at least it would be one less thing to worry about.
He also said that work was one of the thing he did best in his life.
This guy worked for his living but he also worked for a past-time, that's what he loved to do.
So, in the end he said that what he did, he did for the love of his family and also for himself. He said he had only one life to live and he lived it the way he thought best.

Also, my dad has had a heart condition since he was 42, and now he's 62 and he always pushed himself like that and we continuously tell him to relax , that it's not good for him, because of course we're afraid of losing him, but he also said he has one life to live and he'll live it the way he wants to, that he's not going to wait around to die.
At some point I was really worried and I talked to a health professional and he told me that if that's what my dad wants, and that's the choice he made that we have to respect him, respect his choice for his life and learn to live with it, that we can't decide what others will do with their life, we just have to accept it. It's a real hard thing to do. At the beginning I hated that doctor for saying that to me but now, after a while I know why he did.

I look at my dad and he doesn't stop one minute, but he's happy and that's what HE wants to do with his life, he pushes himself all the time, it's never enough but my mom said he's been like that all his life. She knows him best and she knows he'll never stop because he's afraid that if he does stop pushing himself that's when he'll die. And she says he's probably right, he needs the action and the exercise.

So, I realize that I was selfish because I want my dad to be around longer because I love him, but I want him to be happy and proud of himself so learned to accept his choice and and instead of worrying, just enjoy the time we have with him. We don't know when he'll die but when he does, it's going to hurt a lot, I don't know how I'm going to deal with it but that it'll be my problem. He's always there for us so now it's up to us to support him in his decision and be there for him.
And one day when he won't be there anymore, it's going to be hard to live without him in our lives but I'll remember all the good things we did as a family and I'll have good memories of him for the rest of my life and hopefully it's going to help me to get on with my life.
Gillian Smith Profile
Gillian Smith answered
Your reaction to your husbands death is understandable in the circumstances.
Try though to look at why your husband did what he did. perhaps he was frightened and this was the only way he could cope. Loosing a partner is devastating and no-one can predict how they are going to feel or when the different feelings will come. Bitterness and anger are part of the grieving process. I know people always say time will heal and to some extent it does but I know that reactions to grief can be delayed and unfamiliar. If your feelings remain like this for too long they will stop you from being able to get on with your life again.
No one can tell anyone how they should feel in a situation like this and you need to talk to someone who will either just listen or help you through a grief can be a very lonely thing.
All this is a great reaction to what has happened and you might feel all sorts of other emotions too over the next year or so.
I think that your anger is a very understandable thing and it's grief in disguise. I hope eventually you find some peace and manage to start a life with some happiness in it.
Aamir Riaz Profile
Aamir Riaz answered
Expression of feelings varies from person to person. Like some people cry when they are happy. Similarly you are trying to be strong from inside and of course you are feeling sad and alone by showing your anger. You are right for thinking about your late husband for leaving you alone to face this cruel world. You are angry because you say that your husband knew he had a heart condition and should have been careful in performing his job.

Well, from your husband's perspective I would say he was being very much thoughtful for you to give you every comfort in life while putting his own life at stake for you. The other aspect could be he was very much a true and faithful worker and sincere to his job or assignment that he preferred it the most. In both cases I am not able to think bad for him. Although, he should have careful for his health, but death is not the matter to decide for some person, that when and how he has to die. It is the God's will. So my sympathies are for you and I appreciate your strength at this very difficult time. May! God help you.
charmaine saunders Profile
First of all, don't let anyone tell you how you should be feeling or dealing with your emotional responses. That is very personal territory and varies from individual to individual.
There are, however, distinct stages in the bereavement process that have been isolated through study of this subject and one of them is anger. That's obviously the stage you're at now.
Rationally, I'm sure you don't really blame your husband for dying but anger is often a disguise for pain. When you're ready, the tears will flow, and the grief will wash away all the uncertainty of the present. Once that happens, you'll reach the stage of acceptance. Trust and go with your feelings.
It may be appropriate to seek bereavement therapy in the meantime because without it, you could be left with deep-seated and unresolved emotional problems. Bereavement after-effects can run very deep.
Attiyah Garcia Profile
Attiyah Garcia answered
I know how it is to lose someone and people have different ways of expressing their feelings. He must have really loved to work and wanted to support you.

My dad died when I was just 2 years old and I am 14 now. When people ask me where my dad is, I answer normally and say he is dead. Sometimes they ask me why I don't cry. I simply have different ways of expressing myself.
Rath Keale Profile
Rath Keale answered

Feeling angry, even rage, is perfectly normal under your circumstances.  I've often heard people describe how furious they are because their spouse did not follow medical advice and died prematurely.  Not everyone cries with grief.  Perhaps you are talking to, and listening to, the wrong people about all of this. 

I suggest you stop talking to friends and family.  Their advice comes from their experience -- not yours.  See a counsellor for strategies to reduce your anger and become a happier person.

Anonymous Profile
Anonymous answered
I noticed the question posted and response are two years old. I do hope by a person very full of anger and resentment. I do hope she has found some peace by this time in her life.
I just stumbled on this site. I on my grieving husband passed away almost a year ago. I am so distraught right now ...trying to find some solace by searching sites online. I can relate: My husband was a diabetic and did not watch his diet as well as he should have. I have no idea how long he was a diabetic. He died apparently a heart attack suddenly while on a trip.
Even though he didn't watch his diet closely I have not felt any anger or resentment toward him. I believe God gave us choices will and my saying is "What is to be will be."
I miss him so much and I cry a lot ---most every day. I have attended a Grief Share class...I suppose it help...I can't be sure. I just know my life has forever changed. I don't know what my destiny is. I do know I need to move forward and not become a victim of my loss. I am taking care of myself physically and diet wise. I have found out that there is definitely an uplifting in spirit when I go to the gym....twice a day...most days.
Keeping anger and resentment out of my life is one positive thing I guess I have going for me but I do miss my sweetheart so much. Do I have some regrets ....absolutely which is a whole other story. I wished that I had been more observant of meds he was on and checked his lab test more. I didn't ...could that have made a difference...who knows.

I doubt that I have said anything that helps anyone...however there is some release of emotions as I write this.
thanked the writer.
Anonymous commented
My husband died a little over a month ago from CHF - he also did not take care of himself although the doctors had told him repeatedly to change his diet and exercise. He died while he was working on a long term project in Tennessee. I miss him every day and have cried every day. I started a grief class last week and am seeing a therapist weekly as well. I have no idea when or if I will ever smile again or feel joy of any kind. I keep asking 'how did this happen' - no answer as of yet.
brittane blystone Profile
I personally wouldn't let anybody else sit here and try to tell me how I should be feeling and what I should be thinking right now through this process , and I don't think you should be either, thats a personal thing that nobody else can feel and go through except you. And I am sure you don't blame your husband for dying, I mean, but I can understand what stage you're at now though. You're just full of anger and just angry at everything, and you will get past that and go through the crying process, some people just start off at different stages and yours was the angry part first.

A lot of people use anger to get rid of their pain instead of crying, but before too long you will let the tears flow, and its going to be hard to live without him and I know that, but sit there and remember all the good times you guys had and all the fun stuff you did, and just remember all of the positive things and it might take some crying to go through that, but that will make you get through it better than resenting him and being mad at him and everyone else; just remember how good a person he was and what he brought to your life. Live with all of the good memories.
zac car Profile
zac car answered
Maye he was trying to help the family by going to work, trying to forget about the heart condition which is bad, just it seems like he  pushed it to far and it seems like your condition isn't too rare.
Dipa Suresh Profile
Dipa Suresh answered
My dear, I understand how you must feel...
Losing a partner is a terrible thing to happen, and most especially if you are young, and you have children to take care of and to bring up.
Anger is in actuality grief in disguise, and since it is a human failing to find someone to blame, for something that has happened, out of your control, you probably feel that if you get angry at your husband, you will be able to deal with the situation in a better way.
Talk with someone, or opt for grief counseling. A professional would be able to guide you better.
Think positive, and stay healthy.
You have to be there for your kids, don't you?
Anonymous Profile
Anonymous answered
My, husband died 12 years ago this coming July I think about him ,all my family has died my brother in Feb., my Uncle this month. My, little dog died last year in November. I, have no one to love or love me and it is a sad life. Try not to be bitter love those that are left .
thanked the writer.
Bikergirl Anonymous
Sadness, is a choice. There are many things you can do to help bring happiness and contentment to your own life .. like for example: volunteer to help others, adopt or foster a shelter dog, reach out to others, and they will reach back.
Anonymous Profile
Anonymous answered
Your mad because he left you and because he new he was sick and didnt do nothing about it and you feel as if he could of but in his mind he thought he was doing the right thing cause that s what my husband tells me now cause he is sick and says he just wants to live his life and when he dies he wants me not to cry because its what he wants and your husband might of thought the same way just try and move on and keep the happy times with you and I am sorry to hear he has passed on but maybe he didnt want to suffer with meds
Bikergirl Anonymous Profile

First of all .. I would like to offer my most sincere condolences for your loss.

It is not surprising you are so angry, perhaps even a bit justified .. It is normal to be a little pissed to lose someone you love. Actually is part of the mourning process.  Understand it IS a 'process' with very distinct stages.

As much as you would like to 'blame' him for his own demise, it might be helpful to also think about a slightly different perspective on his motivations to work so hard.  Your anger may be a little misplaced.

You choose to think he was selfish and that he should have taken better care of himself. The reality is .. Yes, he should have taken better care of himself, but .. His motives may have involved not just his personal need to do well at his chosen career .. But to provide for his family out of love and devotion, not greed.

Think about it .. If you want to lay blame, then lay blame where blame is due .. On heart disease.  THAT is the culprit .. Not the victim. Underestimating his conditon may have been his only fault.

In the meantime .. It might help to find grief councilling to help to focus your anger in a better direction. You need to get it out .. So you can kick it's ass.  Harbouring anger is self destructive, so you need to find ways to channel it. 

Your family is concerned about you .. Don't blame them for wanting you to move forward, and get out of the misery you are experiencing.  But .. Understand, you may need help to do that. Please seek help .. From your Church, a friend, a family counsellor .. You need to talk about this .. To get this heavy weight off your heart.

Prayers sent.

Molly Angel Profile
Molly Angel answered
Your husband was very lucky to have you - it sounds like he meant a great deal to you; so sorry for your loss. Hope that you know who you mean this much to, as well.
Anonymous Profile
Anonymous answered
In a previous post... You said your ex husband started seriously dating a woman which bothered you a lot (did you try to mask the pain of that by saying he died... or mask the pain of him dying by saying he just left you? or mask it by saying he still comes around?) ... You should get your story straight so I can give you some honest advice on your life.

Try e-mailing me and I'll give you all the advice you need...
[email protected]
thanked the writer.
Anonymous commented
Just to clarify this, the questions posted by DrChar have been collected somewhere else and are not expressions of his\her own predicament. So really you are referring to questions from two separate people.
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