Does the loss of a family member get any easier? It's been 4 years since my sister was killed and it still hurts. I've been crying all day.

12 Answers

Ancient Hippy Profile
Ancient Hippy answered

The years can make the pain dull a little but it never gets too much better.

Didge Doo Profile
Didge Doo answered

The pain diminishes as you get on with life but it doesn't leave completely. It's so easy to step back into the sadness.

Remember what Queen Elzabeth (well, her speech writer) said a few years ago: "Grief is the price we pay for love." It's a price worth paying.

Tom  Jackson Profile
Tom Jackson answered

My background resulted in a high tolerance level for loss in general---I'm used to it.

My convictions about the immortality of the soul and the properties of a resurrected body make it pretty easy for me to fit physical death into the mix.

And in general, I think that anything that is good will somehow be present in eternity.

Temporary loss leading to eventual re-acquisition---works for me.

Kioyre S. Profile
Kioyre S. answered

I agree with Ancient Hippy here -- years can dull the pain. Family is family, even after death, so it's always going to be difficult. In the meantime, we can learn to think about the good memories and the positive gifts that person left for us, rather than the pain their departure brought. At least, that is my experience. I don't want to think that my father's passing was an injustice, but rather, that he has left a great legacy from when he was alive, and that's what I tell everyone I talk to. It brings me closer to acceptance.

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Twisted Juju
Twisted Juju commented
she was the only biological family member I have.never met my dad. and my mom isn't sober long enough to care. At least my fiance's family always welcomed me. I think i wouldn't be as hurt if I actually had family to care about me.
Kioyre S.
Kioyre S. commented
Well, know that you have a family here on Blurtit too that cares for you always! My mother's adopted so I'm only truly related to her and I don't talk much to the rest of my family. I kind of understand you, despite being quite literally half your age. You may find the pain never leaves, but I suggest to think about the subject in a different way. Best of luck.
Twisted Juju
Twisted Juju commented
Thanks.
Toxic Hairball Profile
Toxic Hairball answered

Grief is such an extreme, it will stay with you, but you can learn to live with it.

It helps for me to think that the deceased would have never wanted me to be sad.

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Twisted Juju
Twisted Juju commented
I can't be sad, I have her daughter to take care of, and since I really haven't mentioned it to my niece I try to keep things as happy as it can be. She asks tons of questions about where here mom is and her dad. But just tell her things are the way they are.
Toxic Hairball
Toxic Hairball commented
There is no shortcut or any easy way of explaining these things. Its a part of life.
Charles Davis Profile
Charles Davis answered

I actually have a hard time answering this type of question, I cried when my mom passed, yet not my dad, even I was closer to him than her. I was raised in a very christian household, yet I am atheist now. I look at death as a natural part of life, and have accepted it as such. Sadly my wife at times feels I am cold toward a loss because of death, but it's not a coldness, it's a completion of life. I miss my 2 best friends that have now passed, I miss my parents, that have passed, but I accept their passings as only an ongoing part of life, as we know it, and it will all come to everyone of us. I miss my conversations with my wife's uncle "Pat" who accepted me as who I am yet could never understand how I could be an atheist, I miss my wife's grand-uncle, that was a born-again christian that accepted me for who I am and believe. But they have passed and live on, in mine and many others memories. Those were 2 people I disagreed with, yet respect and long for their companionship, but it is gone. So life goes on.

I am so sorry for your loss, I can only tell you I have been there, and feel your pain.

AnnNettie Paradise Profile

I am so sorry for your loss. :( My condolences to you and your family. Yes, the loss of a loved one can be grievous and painful for a time, perhaps for a long time. However, allowing oneself to grieve has many benefits. Says the book The Art of Condolence: “The bereaved need to allow the pain and anguish of their suffering to take place. Healing is hampered by resisting the process.” So feel free to mourn and weep. Says the book Death and Grief in the Family: “Crying is one of the most important ways of getting the sadness out.”

Allowing oneself to weep can aid the healing process. Coping with the death of your sister is by no means easy. But be assured that, in time, feelings of sadness will no longer dominate you. Sad memories of your departed sister will still come into your mind from time to time. Yet you also have many warm and comforting memories to dwell upon. :)

Zack -  Mr. GenXer Profile

For some people, it doesn't get easier. The only thing you can do is put it in the back of your mind and hope it doesn't manifest itself into a mental illness.

Pepper pot Profile
Pepper pot answered

I think you learn to live with it, but when the thoughts come up they can be as fresh as the day that person left.  I think four years is no time at all, especially for a sister, and one that it appears you feel like went under circumstances that cause anger within you. There just never seems enough time, and then it's gone. Anger is also a very normal response, I felt cheated/robbed when I lost my Granddad to cancer because I felt he deserved better, and I wanted more time with him, but then cancer doesn't discriminate.  I think I would of felt that way if he'd lived to be 100. We get caught up in life, and it passes by real quick, my partner says "Here today, gone tomorrow," and it's so very true, you just never know what's around the corner, and maybe that's a good thing. Then there is the uniqueness of an individual, they break the mould at birth and when they are gone you will never experience them again, it seems so final.

Janis Haskell Profile
Janis Haskell answered

It never really goes away, but it does get easier over time.  I have come to a place where I can enjoy my memories of loved ones.  Many times I actually laugh out loud when I recall some of the hilarious things they said or did.  It keeps them close in my heart.

Danae Hitch Profile
Danae Hitch answered

It's normal to still grieve a loss. However, I would urge you to seek grief counseling if you are "stuck" in your grief, meaning that you find yourself completely unable to cope. Compassionate Friends is one organization that can help you grieve. Most funeral homes offer grief counseling. It took me 7 years before I was able to go to work on my step-son's death anniversary date. I had to take the day off as I still felt I was drowning in grief. Time does help you cope but you will always feel that loss.

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